Making Friends that Make us Better
(Discourse on Happiness 2)
David Ketchum
January 15, 2023
Watch the video HERE
In one of the most often chanted Buddhist teachings, there’s a stanza that simply says:
“Birth is stressful, aging is stressful, death is stressful; sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are stressful; association with the unbeloved is stressful, separation from the loved is stressful, not getting what is wanted is stressful.” (“Setting the Wheel of the Dhamma in Motion”)
I find it a helpful reminder, and I use the formula as a way of bringing my awareness into focus. But it rubs some people the wrong way, and I can understand that. After all, a very common solution that our society offers to addressing stress and suffering is simply to distract yourself long enough, until the problem (hopefully!) goes away. If that doesn’t work, then we often default to using coercion. Neither of these strategies are generally healthy or happy over the long term, but we become accustomed to them. It may eventually feel normal for our needs to go unmet, our emotions to become suppressed and repressed, and our suffering to simmer underneath the surface. When we don’t have adequate tools to manage our stress, let alone transform it, it’s natural to turn away from things that remind us of that suffering.
This even became a running joke for one international organization I worked with in Cambodia. The staff was a mix of local Khmer folks and Americans on fixed length contracts. Whenever an American didn’t quite fit and there was conflict, the first question the organizational leaders asked was: how much longer is their contract? If the person was leaving in a few months, it was considered easier to just let things slide and ignore the problem. Only if the troublesome person was going to be around for quite a bit longer did leaders seriously consider addressing the situation. It made for a lot of funny jokes but also supported some unhealthy organizational habits. Maybe the most prominent of these was to create a sense of powerlessness when it came to conflict. Ultimately, we were encouraged to put everything aside and endure unhealthy relationships, because that was easier than giving our time and energy to learning to skillfully navigate those inevitable ups and downs.
This is impractical because relational stress and suffering is part of the human experience. And it includes the Buddha’s simple observation: “association with the unbeloved is stressful, separation from the loved is stressful”. We end up spending a fair bit of our lives around people that we’d rather avoid, wishing we were spending time with other people that we find easier to like and love. It’s not exactly a recipe for happiness, and it can nourish resentment and isolation. Oppressive systems and cultures intensify this, too, and the resulting suffering perpetuates both the harm and the systems that benefit from it. There’s a lot in this dynamic that deserves our attention, including the ways we form healthy relationships, or get stuck in unhealthy patterns.
One of these patterns is our tendency to attach so strongly to a group identity that we become unaware of how our relationships shape and influence us. Especially in our collective isolation and loneliness, we can be so desperate for other people’s company, that we lose the practice of community and discernment in community. Going along with the group, whatever they believe or do, becomes an expression of our belonging. Protecting our group identity gives us some feeling of safety, and we can’t risk losing that. But we’ve discovered that this is a recipe, not for wisdom, but for getting lost in our confirmation biases and even falling prey to conspiracy theories. Without reflective tools and critical thinking, anyone who agrees with us appears wise, and anyone who disagrees appears foolish. And we often don’t think about it any more deeply than that. When a group identity is being preserved, thinking about it can actually feel like a threat.
It’s harder to take the time to really discern how our actions impact one another. It’s not automatic to practice with the insight that our relationships train our minds. Whom we spend time with is also a question of how we spend our time. What activities do we do together? What do we talk about? Where do we go? The people in our lives both reflect and influence what we think is important, how we treat one another, how we understand life and the world, for good or for ill. Being intentional about community helps us create habits that help and heal, instead of harm. The Buddhist Discourse on Happiness reminds us that, though this takes time, energy, and effort, it is worth it, because the way relate with each other is a spiritual and reflective practice:
“Not to associate with fools,In the Buddha’s teachings, the difference between a wise person and a fool is their behavior. As the Buddha said (in the Lakkhana Sutta), “a fool is characterized by [their] actions. A wise person is characterized by [their] actions. It is through the activities of one's life that one's discernment shines.” A fool is someone who causes harm by what they do, say, or think. A wise person is someone who knows how to restrain themselves from doing hurtful things, and instead is skillful in saying, doing, and thinking things that relieve suffering. They act with understanding and compassion.
But to associate with the wise,
And to honour those worthy of honour:
This is the greatest good fortune.” (tr. by Bhikkhu Brahmali)
A basic framework for discerning this foolishness and wisdom in the Buddhist tradition is found in the Five Precepts. These precepts are a basic moral code popularly expressed as: don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t commit sexual misconduct, don’t lie, and don’t consume intoxicants that cloud the mind. But as a living tradition, the precepts are a reflective practice. An example of this comes from the Plum Village tradition. As a community under the leadership of the Most Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, and beginning during the war in Vietnam, they reimagined each precept as a reflective practice. They explain that:
“The Five Mindfulness Trainings have their root in the Five Precepts offered by the Buddha. They have been expanded and updated so that they represent a way to bring mindfulness into every area of life. Rather than hard and fast rules, they offer us a framework to reflect on our actions, speech and thinking so we can create more happiness for ourself and for the world around us.”We can look at the second precept to see this. It’s often presented as a prohibition against stealing, and it is that. But the literal wording already reveals a rich reflection on how we relate to what we think about as – or want to be - our possessions: “I undertake the precept to abstain from taking what is not given.” The Second Mindfulness Training brings a more direct awareness of how those relationships operate today:
“Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing, and oppression, I am committed to practicing generosity in my thinking, speaking, and acting. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others; and I will share my time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need. I will practice looking deeply to see that the happiness and suffering of others are not separate from my own happiness and suffering; that true happiness is not possible without understanding and compassion; and that running after wealth, fame, power and sensual pleasures can bring much suffering and despair. I am aware that happiness depends on my mental attitude and not on external conditions, and that I can live happily in the present moment simply by remembering that I already have more than enough conditions to be happy. I am committed to practicing Right Livelihood so that I can help reduce the suffering of living beings on Earth and stop contributing to climate change.”This is a concrete example of what the Buddha was speaking about when he said that “It is through the activities of one's life that one's discernment shines.” In the Bala-pandita Sutta, (“The Fool and the Wise Person,” using the same words as in the Discourse on Happiness), the Buddha notes that both foolish and wise people deal with the same conditions of life, “obstructed by ignorance and conjoined with craving”. We are “sensitive to pleasure and pain.” The difference is in how we respond to these conditions: “The fool has not practiced the holy life for the right ending of stress. … The wise person has practiced the holy life for the right ending of stress.” (tr. by Thanissaro Bhikkhu) It is in our actions that we can discern foolishness and wisdom.
Looked at in this way, we recognize our foolishness in whatever leaves us caught in a cycle of unhappy and harmful behavior and our wisdom in that which brings increasing wellbeing and freedom. This practice isn’t a get-better-fast kind of cure. It doesn’t magically make oppressive systems disappear. But it can help us understand those systems and both our suffering from and our complicity with them. And it reminds us that the wise person is always paying attention to how our decisions impact ourselves and others. Bringing what is out of awareness, into awareness, we can ask: what happens when I do it this way? Does this lead to more suffering in my self, others, and the world? Does this lead to more well-being, inclining toward Awakening? This is how we care for our practice and one another, cultivating wisdom and compassion. And the more of us who practice like this, the more space we make for happiness can actually be possible.
This is a long-term practice. Wisdom cannot be rushed because it grows over time. We build trust in our practice and with one another, and this takes time. In the Thana Sutta, the Buddha taught that:
Our willingness and commitment to practice like this for “a long period, not a short period” is part of the practice itself. My Teacher will often say, “I’m watching for the practice.” This is part of developing trust and deepening friendship. When we take the long view of our practices, we give ourselves a real opportunity to learn. What are our strengths? Where do we have room to grow? Do we see patterns that show some growth in wisdom? Where do we see weak points, where a habit could grow into harm? How do we handle those tough times, and where did we find support and help? When have we felt like quitting, or even quit? If you could eavesdrop on your conversations, what would it tell you about your discernment? By paying attention like this, over a long time, we develop our skills of discernment. We come to better know what is foolish and what is wise, because we have taken time to better know what has harmed and what has helped."It's through living together that a person's virtue may be known, and then only after a long period, not a short period; by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; by one who is discerning, not by one who is not discerning. / It's through dealing with a person that his purity may be known, and then only after a long period, … . It's through adversity that a person's endurance may be known, and then only after a long period, … . It's through discussion that a person's discernment may be known, and then only after a long period, not a short period; by one who is attentive, not by one who is inattentive; by one who is discerning, not by one who is not discerning.” (tr. by Thanissaro Bhikkhu)
Where it is possible, then, we want to spend as much time with others who encourage these kinds of skills that create conditions for wisdom. Over time, we naturally change our habits and pastimes to align with what we’ve learned. The more we pay attention, the more we notice these changes. This isn’t to say that some habits and situations resist change. There may be many reasons, and not all of them are in our control or easily influenced. For today, we can acknowledge these limitations. But it’s also important to remember that they make it even more important to prioritize our relationships with those who are wise. As much as possible, we want to make choices that give us that opportunity.
And this brings us to that final part of the stanza, an awareness and appreciation of the connection between “honoring those worth honoring” and happiness. As Thanissaro Bhikkhu teaches us: “Respect is the attitude you develop toward the things that matter in life.” Practically speaking, this connects with how we learn, which supports the cultivation of wisdom:
“If you truly love yourself, you have to pay close attention to the way reality really works, and act accordingly. Not everything you think or feel is worthy of respect. … you can't simply indulge in the pleasure or resist the pain coming from your own actions. You have to learn from both pleasure and pain, to show them respect as events in a causal chain, to see what they have to teach you.”Practicing in this way, honoring others who have cultivated this kind of wisdom and compassion comes easily. The better we understand the effort and energy required to stay on the path, the easier it is to recognize and honor it in others. This isn’t the unhealthy, naïve trust that comes from delusion, but the healthy, heedful trust of recognizing someone who compassionately understands. When we stop ourselves from doing something harmful, the primary motivation is not fear or shame of being caught, but the compassionate understanding of how to cultivate happiness and wellbeing.
Dishonor and disrespect close us off from learning what we need to learn. Sticking with a wise person who can help us understand and transform the greed, hatred, and delusion within us takes our own virtue, purity, endurance, and discernment. It’s a virtuous cycle, and gratitude arises with the discernment. Honor and respect arise naturally out of our own wellbeing and happiness:
“Not to be associated with the foolish ones,
to live in the company of wise people,
honoring those who are worth honoring —
this is the greatest happiness.” (tr. by Thich Nhat Hanh)
