Our Difficult Relationship with Power

Proper 25    Oct. 26, 2014
Community Christian Church of Springfield, MO
Roger Ray, pastor      

Mark 10:42-45    42So Jesus called them and said to them, "You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them. 43But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all. 45For the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many."

We are just 9 days away from the much-heralded mid-term elections though, if you are to believe the polls, most Americans still don't know that there is an election coming up.  I am reminded of the possibly questionable modern proverb that says:  Babies' diapers and politicians should both be changed regularly and basically for the same reasons.

We are going into this election with Congress' approval rating hitting record lows, sometimes coming in at no more than 9% which fundamentally makes me wonder what those 9 out of a hundred people are seeing that I am not seeing.  But even with such widespread disapproval, we are likely to see almost all incumbents returned to office.... Which speaks to ore moral ambivalence about most things.

But people often feel better about their own congressman than they feel about Congress in general because we have a sense that we sort of know them.  I'll confess that I did know our congressman when he was a talk radio host and I profusely disliked him then and my opinion has not been much improved with his move into the Congress. But a lot of politicians worked their way up into elected office through years of community service.  

Many were even living on the lower end of the middle-class income scale and they had a very sincere identity with their constituents.  But back to my analogy to babies' diapers, it generally doesn't seem to take much time in Washington before the qualities we once found attractive in them have disappeared.

Often times it is because they become impressed with their own importance and, for reasons that are generally very disappointing, they become very wealthy in office.  And that happens on both sides of the isle.  Observant Morman and majority leader in the Senate, Harry Reid, grew up in poverty and worked the night shift on Capital Hill as a policeman to work his way through law school, has become a multi-millionaire while serving in elected office.  He says that he did it by making good investments but they were not investments that would be available to you or to me... they are the kinds of favors given to people who are in power.

We have all seen exposes of famous preachers who find ways of justifying personally raking off a larger and larger portion of the cash flow through their multi-million dollar charities.  Even no less a person as Gandhi evidently suffered a shocking collapse of personal morality as an old man, taking sexual advantage of young women living in the Ashram he supervised.

It is not always true but it seems that not very many people are able to resist the seduction of power.  Very few professional athletes manage to retire with much of an estate intact.  Very few lottery winners find their lives much improved or manage to hold onto any of the wealth they win.
In some cases, it doesn't even seem to need to be very much power.  When I was the pastor of a medium sized denominational church, we spent between $500,000 and a $1 million dollars a year which is not a lot of money on the corporate scale of things but I have seen property and outreach chairmen evolve into third world dictators, demanding absolute fealty to their sometimes entirely irrational whims.

Even the constitution of our tiny little church demands that we change leadership on our board every three years because we want to avoid any unpleasant break downs in our community.

When I was still in graduate school, I was serving a church in a country seat town that became the location of one of the world's largest aluminum rolling plants in the world.  We were all pretty excited about the plant coming to our small town because it brought an economic boon that we really needed.

In the course of a year, the city inherited an entire class of comparatively very highly paid professionals, many of whom were very young men for whom their new jobs had quadrupled their incomes over-night.  What I did not know to anticipate is that in a relatively short period of time, this very stable and traditional rural Kentucky town turned into a veritable Peyton Place full of affairs, divorces, and very painful family crises.

I am inclined to think that any major promotion, election to office, or sudden change in status should be accompanied by a six week course in personal ethics and reminders emphatic reminders that you don't want to be simply "successful" or to win elections, you still want to be a good person.
Our small city has received some national attention over the past couple of years as one of our "power couples" was found to have attempted to hire hit men to break the legs of their daughter's ex-boyfriend.  I don't want to say too much about this because I actually have had a personal and professional relationship with this couple for more than two decades.  One was a campus minister in my former denomination and his wife was a quickly rising star in the financial world.  They moved out of middle-class obscurity into the world of multi-millionaires and, like so many in that position, they somewhere forgot that basic rules of morality still applied to them.

Fortunately, they were caught before they ruined a young man and his new girlfriend's lives, and, because of good political connections and great personal wealth, they have avoided prison... I'm not sure how I feel about that but I am not surprised.  As I published in my recent book, there is a legal system for poor people, and another one for rich people and another one that serves the lawyers and politicians' interests.

We don't really need Jesus to tell us how wrong this is but, according to Mark, he does anyway.  Our gospel lesson today quotes Jesus saying:  "You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them. 43But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all."

I always meant to do it, but I let life get in the way for most of my career, but for the past several years I have made it a part of my personal and professional discipline to spend time with the unsheltered homeless every week...and generally two or three times a week.  It is not a perfect cure for arrogance but it is at least a regular dose of reality.  I have also tried to have regular meetings with a small group of advisors that I use as an accountability group because even an aging cleric in a small church can lose touch with reality.  I get email from our inter-net audience every week who often move from expressions of gratitude into nominations for sainthood.... None of you who actually know me share in that delusion but in the privacy of my study, I am not immune to that sentiment once expressed by Mark Twain who said, "I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough."

I tried to put it in my book, Progressive Faith and Practice, but my editors thought it was a little too rough but I will trust that you will allow me just a touch of profanity in the pulpit to share with you one of my own proverbs about power and psychology, and that is this:  Everyone will be just as much of an asshole as the people around them will allow them to be.

We all say that we want to be good people and none of us can do it alone.  Ego will almost always get the best of us unless we surround ourselves with people who are willing to be honest enough, loving enough, and sincere enough, to help us to be good people.

Most of the time the people who love you the most will try to assure you that anyone who has been critical of you, who has rejected you, or thrown you under the bus, are mean, crazy or self-centered.  This is almost never either true or helpful.  There is a tyrant who lives inside of all of us and it doesn't always take winning the lottery, a Congressional election, or a promotion to reveal the tyrant.  Sometimes, all it takes is the opportunity to be ant arrogant jerk.
As Jesus said, "It should not be so among you."

No one ever changes unless they feel safe.  No one ever welcomes criticism from someone who is only critical.  I'm going to make a blanket statement here, acknowledging that there are no absolutes but this probably comes pretty close:  Only in a healthy, loving, and supportive community, will any of us ever become all that we could be and no one who is impervious to criticism will ever become the hero that the world needs for you to be.  That's just my opinion, but I'm probably still right.

Last Words

Oct 19, 2014
Community Christian Church
Roger Ray, pastor

"You must be your own lamps, be your own refuges. Take refuge in nothing outside yourselves. Hold firm to the truth as a lamp and a refuge, and do not look for refuge to anything besides yourselves."  Buddha

Most of us here remember and were likely a part of the turbulence of America in the 60's and 70's.  Walter Cronkite, looked into the family rooms of homes across America and told us "what was what" with the authority of a wise grandfather.  On Feb. 27, 1968 he told us that our national leaders had gotten us into an unwinnable quagmire in Vietnam, giving the rest of us permission to voice our opposition to that ill-conceived war.  Our confidence in the reliability of government continued to fall all apart as we moved into the televised Watergate Hearings when we found out just how corrupt, small and fallible the famous and the powerful could be.

We saw the dismantling of America's apartheid with its segregated schools, neighborhoods, public restrooms and drinking fountains.  In the midst of all of the upheaval and insecurity, most of us went to a church where we encountered the word of God, and we spoke with certainty about the Lord Jesus Christ... about our fear of hell and our hopes for heaven.

Even if we questioned these things, there was crowd pressure to pretend that we did not question.  The certainty of the solid institutions in the rest of the world might be crumbling.... The divorce rate climbed, women were empowered in the workplace and in government. We saw jobs that had been reserved for white men being given to women and minorities but the one exception was church where it was and is in 2014, still legal to discriminate against people on the basis of their gender, their sexual orientation, their race, and their age.
Religion has often offered a safe harbor from tempest tossed seas.  Americans enslaved black Africans, taking away their freedom, separating them from their tribes, their families, their property... but we gave them Jesus.  We made them slaves but we promised them heaven.

What white America did not expect, is that unlike all of the millions of Bibles given to college students by the Gideons over the decades, some of the sons and daughters of African slaves actually read the Bible.... They read about the slave revolt and escape recorded in Exodus.  They read about prophets who foresaw a time when those who built houses would get to own one, and that one-day the tenet farmers would own the farm.

Out of the black church, the civil rights movement emerged and the meaning of religion began to change.  We were less interested in heaven and more interested in justice... less concerned about personal piety and more aware of social sin and evil of an economic system that kept them in poverty. Religion, for us, is not what it once was.

For most of us here, that old evangelical certainty is entirely gone.  We have, as I have often said, given up false certainty for honest uncertainty.  We now know with certainty that our government can lie to us and manipulate us, that the marketplace does not have our best interests at heart, that corporations would use us for kindling in their fire places if they could.

And we know that we cannot simply open our Bibles to find certain answers to any of life's most important issues.  There is insight there.  We can find inspiration, we can dialogue with it....
But unlike an elementary math book, the answers are not in the back of the book.  We have to look for them, struggle for them.... And, more importantly, what we know with certainty one year is subject for debate the next year.... Truth becomes a moving target that no one can give to you and that you can never own.

We are still in the minority, I know.  We are surrounded in Springfield by a denomination most noted for their belief that God's Holy Spirit enables them to literally speak the language of angels.  America still leads the world in the percentage of the population that believes in angels.  Even in underdeveloped nations with almost no public education, people have been able to think through that little bit of that mythology but in the good ol USA, 55 to 80% of us still believe that angels are real.... More than the number of people who believe in global warming.

But in our area, a significant portion of the population not only believes that these invisible heavenly creatures exist, they think that by spewing consonant sounds out of their mouths that they are actually speaking the heavenly language of angels.

Uncomfortably, a retired Assemblies of God executive lives across the street from me and sometimes our under-paid federal employee who delivers our mail will put his mail in my mailbox.  I don't read it of course but I have seen that my neighbor actually subscribes to a magazine just for those people who speak the language of angels.....It is 2014.... Newspapers are going out of business because no one reads the news anymore but there are still enough people who think that they magically speak the language of non-existent imaginary beings that they still have their own print magazine.
And you wonder why I stay half-mad all of the time!  People, it is time for us to wake up and to try to wake up the community around us.

Tradition has it, that as the Buddha was dying at the age of 80, his few remaining followers gathered around him and he told them,  "You must be your own lamps, be your own refuges. Take refuge in nothing outside yourselves. Hold firm to the truth as a lamp and a refuge, and do not look for refuge to anything besides yourselves."

Buddhists have religious texts and doctrinal teachings but unlike Jews, Christians and Muslims, Buddhists never had 10 Commandments, their insights were more like suggestions.  More importantly, while the major religions of the west have focused on "salvation" eastern religions have not .... We have almost single mindedly focused on how we could secure our place in heaven.

For eastern religions, especially Buddhism, the goal was not to attain to heaven but rather to find enlightenment.  In fact, the name given to Prince Siddhartha, the "Buddha" means, "the awakened one." Just as "Christ" was not really Jesus' family name, "Buddha" is a description, not a name.

And as what happened to the historical Jesus, Buddha's name and memory were stolen and associated with elaborate myths, superstitions and religious peculiarities, but if we may take this death bed teaching as something that comes closer to his true message, his real character, he was telling his followers not to even take his teachings too seriously.
We love the core message of the historical Jesus but in this century, as we seek enlightenment, we have to recognize that it may be necessary for us to disagree, even with Jesus, with Buddha.... Maybe even Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders... as we seek what is true.

I'm not being a relativist.  Everyone has a right to their own opinions but they do not have a right to their own facts.  You cannot meaningfully talk about your own truths... truth is either true for everyone or it isn't true.  That's part of what I really love about science: it seeks to articulate what is true regardless of how popular the truths are, what public opinion about them might be, or even what the popular vote is.  Science is true regardless of who believes it.  Religion, real religion, in that sense, should be more like science.

And you know, you would not be using a hundred year old science book to teach a modern science class and for the same reason, we need to be very careful about we use ancient religious texts.  Where ancient scriptures inspire us to noble values and causes they are great, where they are used to pour concrete around harmful prejudices and superstitions, we need to move on.

In spite of the needs that face us in this decade, most of organized religion is still trying to engage itself in the belief that the church is a haven in a heartless world, a virtual Noah's ark, keeping the faithful safe from the storms that rage outside....for those of us who spent too much time at the bottom floor of that ark after a couple of months at sea, we know how uninviting the traditional church can be.
Setting aside the religion that is a distraction from reality, we turn to face what is with new courage.  When Jesus said that the Kingdom of God is among you, we progressives should have stood up and yelled "amen."  The Kingdom is not in the afterlife but it won't be in this life either if we fill our heads with superstition and magic.

Now, I said that when the Buddha was dying that the few followers who were still with him gathered around him.  Buddha had been popular and he died in obscurity.  It took a long time for people to realize how valuable his teachings were.

We have seen that in the modern era.  Had Martin Luther King, Jr. not died when he did, he also might have been lost in obscurity as his supporters were falling away and his associates were fighting with each other.

One of the great thinkers who created American democracy, Thomas Paine, who literally gave the United States its name, only had six people at his funeral because of his criticisms of traditional religion but time has validated his insights.

Truth is not subject to popular opinion.  Truth is true even when almost no one believes it.  Still, the good news is this, we can give birth to the Kingdom, through our own conscious choice.  We can solve the challenges of poverty and homelessness.  We can end wars.  We can give health care to the sick and lift the yoke of oppression and discrimination off of the shoulders of minorities.... the world is only waiting for the people of God to wake up.

There is a modern proverb that teaches that no one can do you harm without your help.  No one can really hurt you unless you are willing to pretend that you are asleep.

Tradition has it that people asked the Buddha if he was a god or a son of god, and he replied, "No."  And so they asked, "Who are you, why should we listen to you?"  He said, "I am awake."  That is my highest hope for myself, and my best hope for you.

The Buddha that is in me, honors the Buddha that is in you.

Sickness unto Death

October 12, 2014
Community Christian Church of Springfield
Roger Ray, pastor

Job 23:1-9, 16-17      
Then Job answered: 2"Today also my complaint is bitter; his hand is heavy despite my groaning. 3Oh, that I knew where I might find him, that I might come even to his dwelling! 4I would lay my case before him, and fill my mouth with arguments. 5I would learn what he would answer me, and understand what he would say to me. 6Would he contend with me in the greatness of his power? No; but he would give heed to me. 7There an upright person could reason with him, and I should be acquitted forever by my judge.
8"If I go forward, he is not there; or backward, I cannot perceive him;9on the left he hides, and I cannot behold him; I turn to the right, but I cannot see him. 16God has made my heart faint; the Almighty has terrified me; 17If only I could vanish in darkness, and thick darkness would cover my face!

Returning from a ten-day trip to Europe, once I had cleared customs in New York City, I turned on my cell phone to see if I had missed any messages while I was in route from Athens.  There were five.  The first four were from a man I hardly knew whom we will call David.

David was an inactive member of my former church.  I had dutifully called on him over the years when he was in the hospital but he never darkened the door of the church.  In fact, he hardly left his home.  He was frequently hospitalized for digestive reasons.  When I saw him he always had the long hair and very long fingernails that reflected his hermit life.

His first message was a request that I call him.  With each successive he sounded more desperate, more urgent, and his last call was breathless and panicked.  The fifth message was from my secretary, telling me that David had been found dead in his apartment.

David had been the second son of a prominent Springfield businessman, a leader both in his church and in his political party.
His father had big plans for David and his older brother to follow in his footsteps and to carry on the family name. When, in their adolescence, he learned that both of his sons were gay, he disowned them both.  The older one moved to St. Louis where he became a full-time alcoholic.  David stayed in Springfield, becoming increasingly reclusive until a pastor he hardly knew was the only person he knew to call when he could no longer resist the urge to take his own life.

David is only one of the gay men I have known who committed suicide because they were cut off from society, from church, from employment, and, too often, from family.  He held the gun to his own head but society helped to pull the trigger.

There are about 40,000 suicides in America every year.  Most have been younger people who were said to be mentally ill.... Most of the ones I have known were not the ones who were ill.... Society was sick and society took away their humanity, insisted that they didn't fit in, that they were going to go to hell, that they had to change, to accommodate themselves to a mentally ill society and when the burden of either pretending or hiding became too much, they turn to a permanent escape from their pain.

But there are two segments of society that doesn't fit that description where the rate of suicide is dramatically increasing.  One is among the aging citizens who are discovering that they can neither find employment nor manage to live on their retirement income.  As pension funds become more rare and Social Security in no way provides a living income, more and more of the elderly poor are becoming their own "death panel."
And, of course, the other category, the one we hear about in the news, is among our returning soldiers from Afghanistan and Iraq.  The suicide rate has tripled among the Armed Forces during the years that we have been involved in these two theaters.  More soldiers have died from suicide than have been killed in action in Afghanistan.

The military has recently spent more than $200 million on research into suicide prevention and yet the rate of suicide continues to climb.  I have an important solution to their problem that I will give to them at no cost at all.... Don't send young men and women to occupy foreign lands and expose them violence and death for which there is no believable justification.  I'm right, of course, but that's not the answer they are looking for.

There are people who commit suicide because they have a kind of organic depression... a painful mental illness that does not respond to medication or talk therapy.  These are sad cases... the people who really try, who do have access to health care and whose families love and support them.

Others take their own lives to avoid a more painful and humiliating death.  Robin Williams' widow offered this as the explanation for his suicide.... Though I fear that his long struggle with addiction may have played a role, she indicated that it was a Parkinson's disease diagnosis that he could not face.

Most of us have become aware of the sad case of Brittany Maynard who has very publicly and fearlessly discussed her plans to take her own life on November 1st.  Just six months ago it was discovered that this very athletic 23 year old woman has a malignant brain tumor.  Faced with no further medical options and only pain and suffering ahead of her, she has chosen the date of her own death.

Though there are people who would object even to this on the most cruel and irrational religious basis, I have only respect for her courageous decision not only to die with dignity but to talk about it in a way that can give others both comfort and courage.

Beyond the death with dignity and those whose brain chemistry refuses our best efforts, what remains, which are nearly all of the 40,000 suicides each year, are what we can call "preventable" suicides.

We too easily say that people who take their own lives are mentally ill... and in some cases that is absolutely true... in those cases, every kind of research into what medications, treatments and therapies might work is in order.

But I think that majority are not mentally ill.... Not in a very honest and painfully truthful way.  Many of them simply can't adjust to an insane society.  In lots of ways, that is our business.

WalMart just cut 30,000 of their employees off of health care to save money when the family that owns most of WalMart is the most wealthy family in the world.  Ironically, WalMart just announced plans to start a health insurance company and they will sell policies at their stores!  Most bankruptcies in America are caused by medical bills.

So you cut poor peoples wages and hours, take their health care away from them and then watch them be evicted and bankrupt when the get sick and we say that they are mentally ill when they decide to kill themselves?  No!  That's just not true.  That's a preventable suicide.... There is mental illness there but it is treatable.... It is treatable with a national health care program and a minimum wage that is a living wage!

We don't need to give more anti-depressants and counseling to poor people... we need to give them more justice... we need to restore dignity to work and livability to wages.  They aren't crazy but we make them think they are crazy because we expect them to adjust to a cruel, irrational, and mean employment and economic system that robs them of their humanity.

This is not at all unlike what I said about our brave sisters and brothers in uniform.  There was PTSD among WWII soldiers but most of those people felt that they were liberators, they were defenders of their homeland.  My father came back from WWII with battle fatigue and was hospitalized for a long time in a mental hospital.  He had seen too much death, too much violence, and he never got over it.

PTSD can happen in any war.... But he died believing that his fallen comrades where heroes who died in a noble cause.  He believed that he sacrificed to defend our nation from invasion.  The drug and alcohol abuse, the depression and suicidal thoughts of many of our veterans from Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan may well be because they just can't get their heads into the myth of the wars' purposes.
I am shocked by the compliance of our media in beating the drums for a new Middle East war and by the passive acceptance of our public.  We have never yet gotten involved in tribal inspired civil wars in the Middle East and been able to effect a peaceful and just outcome.  The soldiers who have PTSD are much more likely to have the sane view of these wars than are the hysterical people in our media and our Congress who want to keep us in a perpetual state of war.

If we keep sending the poor of our depressed rural states and impoverished inner cities to go and kill and be killed by the poor of rural Muslim nations and the unemployed of their inner cities then we will see the same outcomes.  We need to put our foreign policy on Prozac and keep our young men and women here.

Finally, we have to admit that the largest share of madness that leads to suicide is born under our nation's steeples.... In our mosques and in our temples.  Suicide rates among gay men is estimated to be nearly tens times the suicide rate of the rest of society.

And that comes more from mentally ill religion than from any other source.  Like the man I mentioned earlier... what child can bear being rejected by their church, their parents, and, if they buy into it all, by God as well, and not wish that they were dead?  Many people, including my best friends, have often implored me to turn down the volume on my criticism of evangelical Christianity, traditional Roman Catholicism, and of conservative Judaism and Islam but when there is a casualty count lying all around their sick religion, I cannot be quiet.
I doubt that there is a liberal in this part of the world who has not had to struggle with serious depression at times because we do not fit in.  We are constantly experiencing rejection by our peers and our family members just because we have recognized that Fox News is a just pre-packaged hate masquerading as entertainment, masquerading as news.

I sometimes find it to be very nearly overwhelming.  It is not just the profit driven wars, the corporate control of Congress, it isn't just seeing the Mitch McConnell's, Rand Paul's and Billy Long's who populate our government.... It is the indifference of intelligent and good people who accommodate themselves to the insanity and who insist that I join them in crazy-town.

Evil people are a constant.  Evil people are not really the problem here.  It is the indifference of good people that we have to fight and as tempting as it is to give up, there is always another David, another soldier, another victim of a broken church, a sick government, and cruel economic system who is waiting for us to wake up.

Being personally enlightened is not enough.  Becoming liberated from the oppression of sick religion and being too old for military service doesn't give us permission to become indifferent to the deaths of others.  There have been eight people who died by their own hand since I started talking this morning.... We cannot afford not to care.

Either/Or

Proper  22      October 5, 2014
Community Christian Church of Springfield
Roger Ray, Pastor

Genesis 2:18-22  18Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner." 19So out of the ground the Lord God formed every animal of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name. 20The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every animal of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper as his partner.
21So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh.22And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.

Marriage scene from The Princess Bride

Thank you for indulging me that sixty seconds of classic video from the Princess Bride.  I'm almost certain that none of you can enjoy it quite as much as I do.  It has been my honor and sometimes it has been my challenging duty to preside over weddings since long before this now 27 year old film was first released.

Most countries now separate the civil contract of marriage from the religious ritual but here in the United States it is still most common to put the religious and legal together and often we try to see how much pomp and fabric and flowers can be pushed into a ceremony that the groom almost always begs me to make somehow magically short and the bride wants me to make it impossibly spectacular.  

But we presume that somehow God is a party to the marriage contract.  The traditional wedding language even insists that marriage was "instituted by God" and the officiant is to charge the couple and the witnesses to honor it and to keep it holy. Our government has passed any number of "defense of marriage" acts trying to make certain that it is always an institution in the hands of the God of early 20th Century Catholics and right wing Evangelicals.
At times in our history, we did not allow different races to marry and for the past several years we have debated whether or not same sex couples, who have lived a shared life for decades, should be afforded the legal benefits of marriage that are automatically extended to even a marriage that only lasted for 48 hours, such as one of the marriages of Britany Spears .... That holy and evidently intoxicated Las Vegas union that was dissolved in the light of day when everyone had sobered up.

Religious people have been protesting the steady march of progress towards marriage equality, insisting that same sex marriages will undermine their traditional heterosexual marriage.  But, of course, if the gay couple down the street getting married can undermine the marriage of Barbie and Ken, then, the simple fact is that either Barbie or Ken is gay and they have bigger things to discuss than the happy couple down the street.

I am pleased to be able to say today, that marriage equality has finally taken a giant step here in Missouri with Friday's decision by Judge J. Dale Youngs in Kansas City, ruling that our same sex marriage ban is not constitutional.

But we can give the traditionalists this much:  including same sex couples in legal marriage is a change in both our legal and religious presumptions about marriage.  But what traditionalists must finally accept is that there is no single Biblical or even legal understanding of marriage that has lasted for more than a few generations.

The preponderance of scripture supports polygamy and even concubinage.  And there are rules that were laid down in scripture to serve an ancient culture that we have found to be horrible for centuries.
In Deuteronomy 22, the Bible says that if a man rapes a young women who is engaged to be married, the rapist must pay a fine to the girl's father and then marry his victim. And if that sounds just crazy to you, you should know that this practice was just outlawed in Morocco in January of this year.

Religious rules and secular laws about who could marry, who could divorce, how many people you could marry at one time, have been constantly changing and the one thing that we can be certain of is that God didn't invent this institution.  We did, and as such, we have been tinkering with it, trying to get it right, for centuries.

The church should never be in the business of dictating specifics about such things but what we must not fail to do is to teach the kinds of ethics that apply to marriage and to child rearing, as well as to government, environment, and economics.

The church does not have the right to try to dictate who you can and who you cannot marry nor should we try to manage the gateway to divorce or re-marriage.  But we should meaningfully teach the kinds of character traits and principles that lead to successful marriage and family life.

Our wisdom reading this morning from Genesis poetically articulates, no so much a dictum as it is an observation.... The author of Genesis tells us that God observed the first person that God had created....now, to be completely honest, Genesis chapter 1 and Genesis chapter 2 were written in entirely different time periods and places so I want to step a bit carefully into this observation, but, if you read the creation narrative in chapter 1 of Genesis, you see God creating and creating and after each act of creation, the writer of Genesis said, "and God saw that it was good."
God made the light and the dark and saw that it was good.  God separated the land from the seas and saw that it was good.  God made the sun and the moon and saw that they were good.  God made the birds of the air, the fish of the sea and the animals on the land and saw that they were good.

But if you will allow me to read from chapter one to chapter two, the first time that God looks at something and says that it is not good is in chapter 2, verse 18:
18Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone"
And that is a stand-alone observation that has echoed through the empty homes and lives of many of us who have just never found a life partner.  It is not good that the man should be alone.... Or the woman for that matter.

There are worse things than being alone.... Specifically, being with the wrong person comes quickly to mind.  If you have some very good friends, some dependable family connections, some real community, being alone can be ok.  No one should be made to feel inadequate or damaged because they are alone but no one who has spent decades alone, as I have, would put up much of a fight with the Biblical narrative that says... yeah, sunrise and sunset... that's good.... Going to the ocean... that's good... seeing the birds, the fish, the wild animals.... All that is good... but it is never as good when you are seeing it alone.

I was married for the first half of my adult life.  It was a pretty miserable marriage.  She wasn't a bad person but we sure were not right for each other.  We tried... we did lots of counseling.  I even changed my educational path from earning a Phd in New Testament to majoring in pastoral counseling because I was trying to understand marriage, trying to make it work.

For the sake of decorum, I don't want to say much more about that failure.  I think that virtually everyone is the hero of their own novel and in almost every case when someone talks about a divorce, they describe themselves as a victim and that is almost never entirely accurate.

I did not expect, when I divorced at the age of 38 that I would remain single for so long.  It was not my plan to remain single.  I tried but like about half of the people in my generation, it just never happened for me.

I have had the honor of sharing my life with a wonderful daughter.  I have had educational opportunities that I did not deserve and for which I am profoundly grateful.  I have traveled more and seen more of the world than I ever would have dreamed to have been possible for a lower middle class kid from rural Kentucky.  I have been blessed with many wonderful friends.... A few of whom have found it within their ability to remain as my friends for years at a time.... Which is, apparently, no small feat.

But, and forgive me if you have heard this personal account before, but for me it symbolizes that split between what it means to have a charmed single life or to live in close communion with a life partner......

The first time that I got to go to London, I went alone to the British Museum and within moments I found myself standing in front of the Rosetta Stone.... That singular archaeological find that unlocked Egyptian hieroglyphics and made it possible for historians to finally probe the ancient history of Egypt.

I had known of its existence all of my life.  I knew why that it was important.  I had, however, formed an image in my mind of a kind of stone tablet..... which is not what the Rosetta Stone is.  The Rosetta Stone is a 1600 pound block of granite that stands nearly four feet tall.  When I saw it, I was stunned, amazed, and I turned to my left and to my right, wanting to say to someone, "Isn't this amazing?" but I was surrounded by a class of elementary students on a field trip and they were clearly bored with the stone and eager to press on to see the mummies in the next exhibit hall.

I have never felt more alone than I felt in that moment.  At our lowest points in life, having a committed life partner can dilute the pain and help us to bear up under great challenges.  But also, in moments of great joy, wonder, success, and discovery, when you don't have someone to share that moment with, then the event can be diminished or lost...... it is not good for the man to be alone.

I titled today's sermon "Either/Or" after the title of Soren Kierkegaard's book of the same name. It reflects Kierkegaard's tortured indecision about whether to marry and try to have a happy life, or to remain isolated and devote himself to the work of creating his life's great contribution of philosophical books.  In the end, he elected to remain single and, for the rest of his life, apparently suffered with the realization that he had made the wrong choice.

The second half of verse 18 in chapter 2 of Genesis, after God has made the observation that it is not good for the man to be alone, says, "I will make him a helper as his partner." A more literal and, I think, a better translation says, "Let us make a partner who is fit for him."

Finding the right match is, however, a potentially great deception as well.  As a single adult who is often called upon both to do pre-marital counseling and pre-divorce counseling, I have been an avid observer of marriage relationships.

I used to ask young couples who were preparing to take their wedding vows if they could tell me about a couple they know whose marriage they admire and would like to imitate.  I stopped asking that question about ten years ago when couples stopped being able to describe a single marriage that they thought was healthy in a way that they would like to imitate.

There are, I am convinced, no perfect marriages.  There are, however, happy couples.... But their happiness is not predicated on the perfection of their relationship.  They are happy, from my observation, because they have learned to be patient with their partner's sometimes very irritating quirks.

They are happy, not because their partner is innocent, but because they have chosen to be more forgiving than resentful.  They are happy, not because their partner is flawless but because they have chosen to give up on the illusion that is perfectionism.

There are things that can kill a marriage.... Infidelity, physical violence, addiction or mental illness, cruelty to children, and fiscal irresponsibility.... Beyond those five, I get pretty impatient with people who give up on their marriage too easily.  If people only knew how much rage I feel inside when they say it, they would stop coming to me and telling me, "I'm not happy."

If you married the accountant for security but you spend all of your life dreaming of the life-guard at the pool... then you need to grow up. Those of us who have longed for the opportunity to build a meaningful partnership with an appropriate life-partner can get pretty testy with the "I'm not happy" crowd.

It is not likely to come as a surprise to many of you that my status as a long term single man may now be on the seriously endangered list.  It is been my singular good fortune to meet a woman who is not only very sympathetic with my spiritual views but who is also a very educated progressive and a stunningly attractive person who seems, even more stunningly, to be willing to tolerate my sometimes inexcusably intense character flaws.

Heather is the most amazing person that I have ever met but as we have tried to pursue a meaningful relationship across the 400 miles that separate us, we have both discovered that neither one of us is perfect.  You don't get to be middle aged without earning a few battle scars and developing some sensitive hot buttons that make the journey from the first date to the jewelry store and the altar more of a winding road than a straight path.

More important than the slow discovery of one another's flaws has been the way in which being in love has pushed me to become aware of some of my own flaws that had not been evident to me when I was holed up alone in my man-cave.  I remember hearing Scott Peck say that the only real reason to get married is for the friction....he and was only half kidding.

Being in a relationship with a really smart, strong, and self-confident woman has meant that I have had to do some real self-discovery.

Once intimidation and condescension have been shown to no longer be effective, I've had to become a bit more vulnerable about some things!

It is, of course, not all about the friction.  I have very nearly made a fool out of myself trying to root through the old attic of memories about how a man is supposed to court a woman.... I've gone through gifts of jewelry, theater tickets, dinners out, flowers at work and sending greeting cards with the lyrics of pop love songs, along with daily phone calls and late night texts.... I've been such an adolescent about some of these things that I was afraid that I was going to start having acne problems again.

But beyond all of the thrill and excitement of a meaningful romance, more substantively, if I may borrow the phrasing of a popular movie, what I find in this prospect of once more trying to enter into a meaningful marriage is that I have found in Heather, I have found in our partnership, something that makes me want to be a better man.  And that is the kind of relationship I could wish for everyone to experience.