“The Horror All Around Us” January 27, 2018 Dr Roger Ray
From Conversations With a Pedophile, by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin,p. 35
“I saw myself as a person who, ‘through no fault of his own,’ was deprived of a ‘normal’ life. And as I convinced myself that I had been somehow cheated by fate, I felt I had a license to do anything I chose to. If I didn’t play by their rules, why should I? I was never allowed to ‘play in their game.’ If I wanted to force some smaller child into having sex, why shouldn’t I? After all, I was the real victim here, not him. This self-created and self-serving sense of victimization allowed me to do anything that I desired without the slightest twinge of guilt, shame, responsibility, or remorse.”
A little less than a decade ago, Peter Newman, an assistant director of Kanakuk Camps in Branson, turned himself into police after admitting to having had sexual contact with young boys at the camp for many years. Peter was well liked by both the young campers and their parents. He interacted well and went out of his way to play midnight basketball and other extra activities with the often-bored campers. But his activities also led to things like naked hot tub Bible Studies, which is much as I would like to say about Peter Newman.
It wasn’t until the mid 1990s that the cases of sexual abuse committed by Catholic priests began to dominate the news but a full decade earlier, society began to talk about child abuse more publicly and when the documentaries began to hit TV, my phone began to ring with requests for appointments to talk about childhood traumas that had remained hidden for 40, or 50, or 60 years. Pedophilia was not invented by Catholic priests in the last half of the 20thcentury. But it was a topic so riddled with shame and confusion that no one wanted to talk about it.
I was in grad school studying pastoral counseling in the early 80’s and so we talked about this a lot but I am afraid to say that a lot of what I was taught did not seem to survive the test of time and research.
My professors were right about the numbers of victims, when they told us that one in four or possibly one in three of both girls and boys were sexually molested prior to their age of consent. But they were wrong about two important things:
The first was the suggestion that there are a lot of pedophiles lurking in families, the Boy Scouts, Big Brothers, foster care, churches, and YMCAs. The more accurate fact is that pedophiles are fairly rare, it is just that each one will, in the course of their lifetime, have between 200 and 1000 victims. It does not take many offenders to victimize a whole lot of people . . . which also goes to how hard it is to detect who is most likely to be an offender.
Secondly, I was told that virtually all offenders were victims as children. My text books were confident on this point and this appears to not be true. My friend, Josie Rose, recently sent me a copy of book that has been important to her clinical psychology practice, it bears the creepy title: "Conversations with a Pedophile." The book is written by a therapist who was a childhood victim, herself, and she is interviewing one of those prisoners who had spent years grooming and seducing more than 1000 young victims before he was arrested and incarcerated.
I have asked my friends, Paul Thomlinson and Josie Rose, to join me in this presentation because, quite frankly, I have more questions than answers on this topic and I would like to solicit their professional views about how we allow our children to have the security of having lots of adult mentors while we do everything we can do to keep them safe.
I want to use my own family as an example of the problems posed by both a lack of awareness and a hyper level of fear when it comes to child sexual abuse.
In those halcyon days of my own youth in rural Kentucky, our school nurse would come around once a year and tell us not to take candy from strangers or to accept rides from unknown persons. They never told us why. I was left to assume that it had something to do with avoiding tooth decay from candy.
Even as a young elementary student, I could walk from my school to the church where my mother was the secretary. I could drop my books and walk all over town, as long as I was back at 5 when she locked up the office. During the summer, we could ride our stingray bikes as far away as Mammoth Cave National Park and spend the day hiking with international tourists until time to ride the 30 miles back home in time for dinner. No one ever asked, “Did anyone try to talk to you? Did anyone try to touch you?”
In the neighborhood, there were other fathers and grandfathers who knew my dad well enough to know that if I was ever going to see a movie, a circus, or a parade, that one of them would have to include me with their family outings, which they did regularly and generously. So far as I knew, all adults were benevolent parent figures from whom I had nothing to fear.
By the time I became a parent, I had been taught to view the world as being nearly the opposite of what I had believed it to be when I was growing up. I always knew where my daughter was and who she was with. And I did subtly question her about babysitters, teachers, coaches, and church youth sponsors. And I instilled distrust in her, telling her, perhaps more than she needed to know, to make her wary of adults and older teens in her life.
My own professional position became increasingly difficult through the years. Because so many scandals, like the one I mentioned when I began, are rooted in church experiences, pastors and churches have had to become so guarded that we hardly have youth programs or religious education anymore.
When I entered the ministry, I could round up three or four boys and go on camping trips in the summers and out to the circus or other events all summer long. One of my professors used to sum up her lectures on sexual misconduct saying, “you don’t have to be guilty, you just have to be accused.” Now most children grow up with almost no close contact with adults beyond their immediate family members and, sadly, that is exactly where most child abuse to takes place.
Nothing frightens, disgusts, or enrages us as much as child sexual abuse and yet, how can we simultaneously protect our kids while allowing them to have a secure childhood full of trustworthy adults?
DR. PAUL THOMLINSON
How Can We Be Mature In Our Thinking About Pedophilia?
I must first confess my ambivalence about even addressing this topic, and further, about the tentative conclusions I draw from what I think is a fair reading of key findings from the psychological research on this many-headed beast. I will attempt to summarize some of these key findings here today, realizing all the while that fair-minded people can, will, and have come to very different conclusions than I have.
Pedophilia and Sexual Offending Against Children Are Two Different Things
In the same way that desiring to strangle someone and actually murdering them are two different things psychologically, morally, and legally, desiring sexual contact with children must be distinguished from engaging in such contact with them. Cohen, et al. (2017) showed that among nearly 600 child-attracted men recruited in an online survey, 39% reported to have never offended, and about half of convicted sexual offenders against children do not show a dominant sexual attraction to children. By the way, these studies use the very direct method of penile plethysmography to determine and verify sexual attraction, and a full description of that method is not something I wish to provide here. Suffice to say, it is a reliable and valid measure of sexual attraction. In another recent peer-reviewed study, Dombert et al. (2016) found that 56% of men with pedophilic sexual interests had never committed child sexual abuse or used child sexual exploitation materials, yet 44% of all reported sexual offenses were committed by men without fantasies with pedophilic content. I have to conclude that, as difficult as it is for me personally, as difficult as it can be for my therapy practitioner colleagues, it is possible and desirable to accept a person with pedophilic interests, while simultaneously condemning as abhorrent any sexual acts that are illegal or immoral or harmful, especially to vulnerable little ones.
We Should be Aware that Stigma-Related Stress May Make Mental Health Problems Worse and Increase Offending Risk among Those with Pedophilia
A common misperception exists that ostracizing people with pedophilia is likely to help keep children safe (Jahnke & Hoyer, 2013; Lasher & Stinson, 2016). But the reality is that heaping shame on people for their sexual and emotional attraction to children may only ramp up known risk factors for sexual offending, including poor mental health and social isolation. Even those at low risk of offending because of good behavioral control and strong motivations not to offend are likely to face major problems if their sexual interests are discovered—they are likely to lose partners, friends, and work opportunities, and are likely to be the target of frequent threats (Wagner, et al., 2016). Research has well established that social stressors related to stigma and prejudice contribute to higher prevalence of mental disorders. Since one can hardly imagine a stronger stigma than the one attached to pedophilia, experiences of stress are likely to contribute to even higher rates of psychopathology among pedophilic individuals. On a related note, when social acceptance seems unattainable due to stigma, people with pedophilia might be more tempted to embrace subcultural values legitimizing adult-child sex as a coping mechanism (Freimond, 2013; Jahnke, Schmidt, et al., 2015). So, it seems to me that we should address stigma and help pedophilic individuals deal with its potential repercussions in the interest of keeping them offense-free.
Stigmatizing People with Pedophilia Represents a Barrier to Treatment
Speaking of living an offense-free life, that is usually, and appropriately, the primary treatment goal for those with sexual interest in children. This stands to reason because, to my knowledge, there is no method to selectively reduce or eliminate sexual attraction to children. So, current treatment protocols typically focus on diminishing risk factors for child sexual abuse (Beier, 2016). However, not surprisingly, treatment opportunities for these individuals are few and far between. Again, this stands to reason because seeking treatment for pedophilia may have disastrous consequences legally, socially, financially, and familially, especially with mandated reporting laws in effect (Cantor, 2014; Lasher & Stinson, 2016). By creating an unfortunate bottleneck of circumstances where those with pedophilia have little or no access to psychotherapy, and are systemically discouraged from seeking it, ingrained structural stigma is likely undermining our efforts to prevent sexual offending.
Stigma research has furthermore revealed stigmatizing attitudes on the part of clinical practitioners, which may dissuade pedophilic individuals from disclosing their sexual interests or from pursuing therapy. Pedophilic individuals appear to have little trust that mental health professionals would treat them respectfully, even in countries like Germany, where laws assure patient confidentiality even when a patient discloses past sexual offenses, and that do not oblige psychotherapists to report planned sexual offenses (but note that psychotherapists are allowed to break confidentiality in the latter case).
Mental Health Practitioners Need to Become Aware of Their Own Stigmatizing Attitudes
This is hard for me, as my attitudes were formed pretty early in my psychological career. I worked quite a lot, and intensely, with sexually abused and molested children from ages 5 to 17…and I had to come to grips with a certain murderous rage that would sometimes overtake my thoughts; thoughts that included vivid mental images of my hands around the throats of known abusers of the beautiful children in my care. And I used to hear Mark 9:42 in my head a lot, wherein Jesus issued the very stern warning that “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe to stumble, it would be better for him that a heavy millstone be hung around his neck, and he had been cast into the sea.” But, hopefully, I have learned a thing or two about how little my rage, or society’s fear and rage, can actually help a single child from being harmed by a pedophile.
Since psychologists and other mental health professionals are part of the culture that rejects and demonizes people with pedophilic sexual interests, we really ought to take seriously the identification of our own assumptions and feelings regarding the issues at hand. Biased or blanket negative assumptions may exist implicitly and explicitly and, if so, they are likely to interfere with successful therapy outcomes. We should know and appreciate that clients with pedophilia may pursue psychotherapy for a variety of reasons, at least outside of forensic settings. Some may seek treatment because they have problems controlling their sexual urges or finding appropriate ways to achieve sexual satisfaction, while others may be struggling to develop a positive sexual identity or to find ways to share their sexual interests with close friends or family members. We have to watch our biases and be careful not to betray those seeking treatment before we have a chance to help them: e.g., not believing someone’s statement that he or she has never offended against children due to stereotypical beliefs about the nature of pedophilia will invariably threaten the therapeutic alliance.
Why We Should Try to Reduce the Stigma of Pedophilia
It is my considered opinion, with which you are free to disagree, of course, that we (i.e., psychologists, therapists, health care practitioners, the clergy, and the community at large) should seek to destigmatize pedophilia and treat human beings who have these sexual interests with respect and empathy. We need to take great care in separating sexual interests and criminal behavior when speaking or writing about pedophilia. Research findings based on incarcerated offender samples should not be over-generalized to all people with pedophilic interests, which is often the case (Cantor & McPhail, 2016; Feelgood & Hoyer, 2008; Seto, 2007). For these reasons, explicitly referring to pedophilia as a sexual orientation and separating it from sexual offending in the latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, (the DSM-5) constitutes a step in the right direction, and one that should not be walked back in the face of pressure from a misinformed or highly inflamed public.
David Ketchum
Pedophilia and child sexual abuse are topics that we are not used to discussing at all, let alone in public, which is why I think Roger has gone out of his way to include multiple voices here today. We need all these perspectives: pastors, researchers, practitioners, parents, survivors, artists. For myself, I’ve also dealt with this issue on multiple levels. I experienced sexual abuse as a child; I’ve worked with both perpetrators and victims while providing pastoral care, and also with people who experienced pedophilic inclinations; I’ve been a foster parent to children who experienced sexual abuse; I’ve been an artist who channeled anger, grief, healing, and hope into music and writing.
As all of us know, life does not usually ask for permission for the pain and loss it doles out. But what strikes me most in all of these conversations is that 1) healing is not automatic or inevitable and 2) we have managed to create a society and culture that too often actively works against the healing of victims and perpetrators. This has been a theme this morning, perhaps best expressed when Paul spoke about having to “come to grips with a certain murderous rage” he felt as a practitioner when learning about abusers’ actions. And we can widen that net to include our entire larger culture.
Anecdotally, what I experienced growing up is still way too commonly experienced by the folk I continue to work with in conflict coaching, workshops, and support groups. Statistically, we’ve read the numbers from this stage several times, but I’ll share another study, from January 2018, to add to the catalog, that’s especially relevant to the topic of children who experience sexual abuse. Stop Street Harassment (SSH) and Raliance surveyed 2,000 people and documented that “81 percent of women surveyed ... had experienced sexual harassment or assault and ... 43 percent of men said they had experienced sexual misconduct … . … More than half (57 percent) of women and nearly half (42 percent) of men said their first experience of sexual harassment or assault occurred by the age of 17. Thirty percent of women and 22 percent of men said their [experience] occurred by age 13.” (https://www.newsweek.com/after-metoo-study-finds-nearly-all-women-and-almost-half-men-us-have-815660)
And further, again both statistically and anecdotally, the reality is that most sex abusers are never discovered, let alone treated or charged. In fact, “The low rate of reporting leads to the conclusion that more than 90 percent of all sex offenders are living in communities nationwide without ever having been charged for their crime.” (https://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=90200&page=1)
I talk about shifting the norm a lot, and it applies here, too. We want to act like sex abuse is uncommon, because we are socially trained to think it is disgusting and shocking, so disgusting and shocking that it surely can’t – doesn’t - happen. And when we are confronted with the reality that it does happen, we just want it to go away. We substitute silencing victims and demonizing perpetrators for the very difficult work of transforming our cultures and creating communities that are actually healthy and safe. It’s very difficult because our social norms have provided very few accessible ways – policies, processes, resources, and professionals – to prevent, address, and heal sexual abuse. Instead -
- We feel angry. Retribution is our most common cultural pathway, and no one elicits the disgust and violence of the mob like a sexual predator who preys on children. But retribution centers the perpetrator and does very little to support and heal the victim or the community, let alone the perpetrator. We need to move from retributive to transformative and restorative models.
- We feel ashamed. Conservative cultures are especially vulnerable to deep shame and aversion when it comes to anything related to sex. Many victims of abuse are ignored simply because the adult hearing this stuff is ashamed and disgusted and responds by silencing the child. Or, in many cases, children learn to silence themselves. We need to move from repressive sexual attitudes and practices to comprehensive, developmentally and age appropriate sex education that includes bodily autonomy, sexual boundaries, and clear instructions for what to do if you are abused.
- We feel helpless. We don’t like to experience things that we don’t know how to deal with, even if we think they are wrong. But because our society focuses on retribution, and most sexual abuse is perpetrated by people we or our families or co-workers know and care about, we simply don’t know what to do. A refrain we hear time and again is that families are afraid that addressing sexual abuse will ruin someone’s life, or that they are afraid that another family member will be devastated by learning that a family member is an offender. Again, the result is that the victim is silenced. Or when perpetrators are prominent and powerful people in a community, we are afraid of the consequences of confronting them. So again, we do nothing, or we silence those who do try to speak, because we’re afraid things will just get worse, and we’ll feel even more helpless. We need to move from victim-blaming and cultures of silence to victim-centered models that normalize trauma-informed care and make that care universally available.
The #MeToo movement is largely aiming at shifting these norms, but ignorance and repression is pushing back. The Economist conducted surveys, one year apart and polling 1,500 US residents, to track some of the cultural responses to the #MeToo movement’s goals of normalizing conversations about sexual assault. “When it came to questions about the consequences of sexual assault and misconduct, there was a small but clear shift against victims. / The share of American adults responding that men who sexually harassed women at work 20 years ago should keep their jobs has risen from 28% to 36%. … And 18% of Americans now think that false accusations of sexual assault are a bigger problem than attacks that go unreported or unpunished, compared with 13% … . (According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Centre, … , 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police, whereas between 2% and 10% of assault cases are falsely reported.)” This shift was most noticeable among conservative respondents, both male and female; a full 50% of respondents that identified as Trump supporters indicated that they now believe that “Women who complain about sexual harassment cause more problems than they solve.”(https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2018/10/15/after-a-year-of-metoo-american-opinion-has-shifted-against-victims)
This is victim blaming. This is rape culture. This is the kind of attitude that translates into families, schools, churches, and communities that empower and enable pedophiles and sexual predators. When we talk about shifting social norms, we need to remember that we are talking about engaging with deeply held patriarchal values, attitudes, behaviors, and institutions that resist change. Again, I think most of us are really uncomfortable with the idea of just how prevalent sexual assault and abuse continues to be, including the abuse of children, and our patriarchal culture makes it very easy to fall into those patterns of helplessness, anger, and shame.
So we continue to have a lot of work ahead of us, in our hearts, homes, churches, schools, workplaces, communities, and cultures. I don’t believe it is possible to create communities that are completely immune to abuse, but I do think it is possible to create communities where the risks of abuse are greatly minimized, where people can easily and simply seek and receive help, as victims or perpetrators, where everyone grows up learning about healthy sexuality, and where everyone grows up learning about the resources available for preventing and healing the wounds left by abuse on both individuals and communities. We need to move to transformative and restorative models of justice. We need to move to comprehensive, developmentally and age appropriate sex education that includes bodily autonomy, sexual boundaries, and clear instructions for what to do if you are abused. We need to move victim-centered models that normalize trauma-informed care and make that care universally available.
Conversations like these are an important part of that process. We have to normalize talking about sexual abuse and pointing to practical changes we can make. And for that, we need to support spaces that make these conversations possible. I know that we, as a community, and I, personally, deeply appreciate and value the work we do as a faith community to make conversations like this possible, and it’s why I am happy to support it in whatever ways I can, including giving financially each Sunday.
